So it's over...

So here it is...it's been done. We are separating. He's opting to move out.

On one hand I'm happy I finally got the courage to say I wasn't happy anymore and the relationship damage is beyond a quick fix. But on the other hand I feel really shitty about the fact that all signs indicate my marriage is over.

I thought I'd feel worse about it. But I don't. Maybe it's because its been too far gone for going on two years now or maybe it's because he hasn't actually left yet. Maybe when it will sink in when he finally has all his stuff and closes the door behind him for the last time.

Obviously there is still a huge mess to sort out...I'll be staying in the house so that's nice but now I have the stress of carrying the financial weight of that situation on my own.

I wish we could find the fast forward button and just skip to the place where we are both living on our own and everything has been sorted out. It would be nice to skip the stressful part. I know I'm fortunate that we both are committed to not having a messy divorce. I doubt we will fight over anything...which is nice. We both seem to want whats best for the kids and will do our best to co-parent them.

I also am feeling guilty. My mother and both my grandmothers stayed in relationships that were less than ideal because that was what they were "supposed" to do. When I look back at their relationships and try to place myself in the same situation...it's just horrible. No one wants to look back and feel like they wasted their life away instead of chasing after something that was head-over-heels-amazing. Maybe I'd feel less guilty if there weren't children involved. But then again, I don't want my daughter to look back on my life and feel the same way I feel about my mother. I want her to never waste time with anything less than amazing. I should probably take my own advice at this point...but it's still hard. And uncomfortable. And stressful.

Holy hell can we just find a fast forward button already!?