Where to Start?

My life is not my own...

I married at twenty-one to a man I had known my entire life. Knowing him that long made it a safe move, right? Or at least that's what I thought. I also inherited his toddler child, his crazy ex-wife and what was only the beginning of a mounting pile of custody issues. I was young and I thought marrying a good man, a decent man would far out weight the lack of true love and passion in the long run. The realities of life seemed to pale in comparison to the idealistic idea that I was getting married and finally becoming a grown-up, a wife, a mother.

What I didn't know at the ripe old age of twenty-one was that I had no fucking clue who I was or what I wanted out of my life. Getting married. That's what I was supposed to do, right? At least that's what everyone had told me. Growing up I had a destiny and it was to become just like my mother and her mother before her and so on. You get married young and inevitably end up living a life you never wanted but stuck it out because it was what was best for everyone else. 

Over the past ten years I've always had a nagging feeling that this wasn't what "marriage" was supposed to be. But every time that voice crept into my head I would quickly toss it in a box and lock it away while rationalizing that it's better to base a marriage on a wise business decision and not on love/passion.That little box has done well over the years. Although, recently it's been filled to the max with those reminders that I'm likely wasting my life away not understanding and experiencing the beauty that is true love.

In my twenties it was much easier to drown those feelings. However, once I hit thirty there was no denying things weren't going to be fine much longer. Once I turned thirty there is was some kind of clock that detonated and I finally realized that I needed to put what I wanted first and to screw what everyone else wanted and thought my life should be. Although realizing it and executing those thoughts are two very different things. 

So there I was at thirty...I had a husband who I loved but wasn't in love with, a step-child, a toddler, a mortgage and some very painfully obvious thoughts that I needed to find a way out.